Adventures in Zelos Land
by Neko-Houkou
Summary: Action-y Crackfic involving car chases, espionage, and a cross-dressing Zelos. Rated T for language and what happens to the Cheagle. Includes a cameo by Estellise from ToV.


Based 100% off of a dream I had about a month ago. I glossed over some of the setting descriptions, but yeah, it was actually a really vivid dream. And still not the weirdest one I've ever had. That would probably be the one where I gave birth to a 1980's Nava Columbia Calculator. When I woke up from that one I didn't know whether to laugh or cry in horror.

I do not own Tales of Vesperia or the Abyss or Symphonia or FMA. Kiddies, this is why you should be careful about what cold medicines you take.

* * *

Zelos, dressed like a woman in a powder blue sundress and blonde wig, walked down the airplane aisle. He kept glancing left and right to find his seat. At one point he spotted a man. The man's name was Kratos but Zelos didn't know that but he stared at him anyway. Kratos eventually met his eye and winked at him. Woman-Zelos was very flattered but s/he had to find his seat and so kept walking.

Eventually she made it past most of the other airplane passengers and into the room that looked more like a submarine hallway. He went to go ask the captain when liftoff would be and also where the bathroom was. As he was about to knock on the door he heard some men talking about how they were planning on killing him.

Of course, he didn't want to die. In a fit of panic he ran out of the submarine and onto the airplane tarmac. It was like a blizzard out there and he shivered as he ran away. At first he tried to run away from the airport entirely. Then he realized he would get spotted out in the open and changed direction. He ran toward building where the little airport carts were kept.

On his way he spotted Kratos running out of another building. He panicked even more thinking that Kratos was with the men who wanted to kill him. He prayed he hadn't been seen as he slid homerun-style underneath a black hummer parked in a garage. To be safe he peeked out from under the car to see where Kratos had run to. Apparently, Zelos had been followed and Kratos was busy painting the snow red using the two generic-badguy's bodily fluids.

Feeling safe for the moment, Zelos scooted back under the car to catch his breath. Kratos joined him with a loud "Boo."

"Shit, oh shit, please don't kill me, I don't know what I did wrong," Zelos begged. Kratos responded by clapping a hand over the now-redhead's mouth and shushing him.

Zelos wondered why until he heard a pair of heels clicking over the sounds of the blizzard outside of the garage. Then he heard a woman's voice. "No, he got away. There was someone else with him too." Keys jingled and the men under the car shared a look of panic.

Kratos, whose name Zelos still didn't know, was closer to the driver's side. But he wasn't making a move and Zelos sure as fuck didn't want to be run over. He scrambled out from under the car on the passenger's side. "Hello there," he greeted the surprised woman who was wearing the dress he had been wearing earlier. Of course now he was wearing his normal clothes. One did not run out into a blizzard wearing heels and a sundress.

"Call you back," she told the phone before hanging up. She looked at him over the hood of the car. "Hello to you too," she responded. "I didn't expect to find you here."

"What can I say, I'm full of surprises." Zelos tried to inch away until the woman pulled a gun out of hammer space.

"Where's your friend?" She asked.

Kratos jumped out from under the car and whacked the woman so hard she flew over the hood and landed by Zelos. Zelos grabbed the keys out of her hand and opened the doors. Kratos got in on the driver's side and Zelos threw him the keys and tried to climb in.

Suddenly the woman woke up and grabbed Zelos and prevented him from getting in the car. Kratos started the car anyway. Zelos want to cry as he thought 'shit he's leaving me here.'

But then Kratos punched the bitch in the face and Zelos hopped in the car. Just when they were about to pull away a weird liquid was dumped on them and Zelos blacked out. When he woke up he was tied to a chair and Kratos was sitting across from him, also bound.

The mean lady and her generic henchmen were guarding the laboratory room and watching them. "Where is it, Kratos?" she asked.

Kratos looked away and stayed quiet. "Okay, bring it in," the woman barked. Sliding doors opened and two armored men carrying a Cheagle walked in the room. Not that Zelos know what a Cheagle was, but at least he knew Kratos' name.

And then the armored men started stabbing the Cheagle with spears. It screamed, Zelos panicked, and Kratos just stared as about a bathtub's worth of blood squirted all over the room.

"Why did you do that?" Zelos yelled.

"To make a point," the woman responded before looking at Kratos again. "Tell us what we want to know or your friend is going to die next."

Kratos stared impassively at Zelos as a spear was raised to the redhead's throat. Zelos thought 'o shit he's going to let me die fuck I don't want to die here.'

Just as he was about to be stabbed like the Cheagle lying on the floor his Cruxis crystal activated and pulled a wooden shield out of hammer space and saved his throat.

Everybody in the room looked surprised. "Well, you just got a whole lot more interesting," Kratos commented before cutting through his ropes using a hidden knife. He knocked out the guards and cut Zelos free before dragging him out the door that the armored guards had come through earlier.

Once they got outside they hopped into a red Ferrari. Kratos drove, Zelos had shotgun, and Estellise was in the back behind Kratos. The bumped into other drivers and dinged up the car but it was okay because they managed to pull ahead. However, it didn't take long before the bad guys were catching up again.

"We need to do something," Estelle urged.

"Don't worry; I've got this," Zelos responded before sticking his upper body out of the window. The grass was very green, and the road was dirt, and Zelos started alchemizing teddy bears and baseball bats to throw at the people chasing him. It seemed to work since the guys trying to kill them were falling further behind.

Satisfied, Zelos sat back down in the car. He was less than satisfied when he saw they were headed up a ramp-hill toward a major dropoff and an entrance to a cave floating in midair. "Are you crazy?" he shouted at Kratos, who ignored his hysteria and sped up to make the jump.

The three survived the landing but Zelos was still mad while Estelle healed his injuries. "What's going on? Who were those people and what do they want?" he ask-yelled at Kratos.

Kratos ignore the question. "How did you make all of that stuff out of thin air?" he asked.

"I didn't. I alchemized it out of water vapor," Zelos pouted. "Equivalent exchange."

"How long have you been able to do that?"

"My whole life, but I don't do it often because it's not normal. Not that any of this is normal. What's going on?" Zelos asked again.

Kratos walked up to him so Zelos stood. "They wanted information and valuable items that I have. But talent like yours is rare, even in a place where stuff is not-normal. So they probably want you now too, and not just as a place to put their spears. You're involved now."

Zelos blinked once, twice, and then uttered a single word. "Fuck."


End file.
